uhhhhhhhh so like trump got electedddd...i was gaslighting myself into thinking kamala would win but guess it doesnt rlly matter nowww...now im just gonna gaslight myself into believing project 2025 will never happen!! im nervous becuz i feel like ill never be able to transition. i havent told anyone the fact im trans and the fact that the majority of the population thinks trans people arent valid is rlly disheartening. ive been cuttkng wai more too.... it also doesnt help i live in a red state so as expected many of my classmates were just making jokes about it. its like no one even takes it serious. my mom didnt even vote but i already know shes very conservative. earlier this work she was talking about jesus or wuteva and how he has no gender but is still a man or something. i dont know. anyways my sister jokingly said that wouldn't you use they when refering to him and my mom randomally started talking about how theres 2 genders.... i feel like theres no one i can talk to. i feel so alone i seriously dont even know if im going to make it to 18.
also speaking of my mom she sux lmao. i've been feeling rlly depressed for the last couple months so im pretty quiet and just stay in my room laying down most of the time. whenever i answer her quietly she always mocks the way i sound or she'll say im isolating myself and take my phone away. which just makes me cut more and just take a nap. a couple days ago my mom was laying on my bed next to me. she just got on it out of nowheere and was just staring at me, not even talking. it made me rlly uncomfortable so i sat on the couch. eventually she got up so i went back to my room. when i was in my room she did the same thing again so i went back to the couch. then i heard my mom and sister talking so i went into the room to see what was happening. i dont remember what we were talking about but i remember my mom grabbing me hard and calling me a demon. i pulled away from her and went back to the couch (again ik) this time she followed me there. i was trying to go into my room and close the door but she kept following me closely and making sure i couldn't close the door. eventually i started crying because she was stressing me out so much. I went to my bed to cry and she followd me there trying to comofrt me like it wasnt her fault. i left into the bathroom to cry and when i came back she took my phone and ipad. the next day when she picked me up from school she gave me this terrible apology talking about how she can see spirits or something. i hate her so muhc. idk i just want a friend.
i have been having a terrible time at school. its so exhausting go to school and pretending everyday. i feel so lonely i just want real friends who actually like me. i hate everyone in mylife soo badg. i didnt mention this in previous posts cuz mostly I want this site to be positive, but at the beginning of the of the school year or near that time i startd cutting myslef. i like it alot. rn im just using a pencil sharpener blade but i think im ganna order this cute boxcutter i saw. wen i cut deep its the only time im proud of myself and the blade i have cant rlly cuz that deep. im bringing it up now cuz i rlly have no one to talk to. i thought about trying to meet friends online but its too hard and im too scared to use discord or anything like that. i jus want somewhere were i can be myself an rn this website is the only way 4 me to do that. im also thinking about making a tiktok or somethig just to post art work hopefuly .
also sum terrrible news is that my computer screen broke :(( the only way i can code is if i connect my laptop to my monitor and its so annoying cuz i just like to code in my bed. my mom said i cant get it fixed till we move so im angry cuz i cant code in bed anymore. i hate sitting at my desk it so annoying.
school soo bad. ive been ignoring so manyt calls and txt from my friends and i hate that theyre gonna ask me why im not responding. i hate talkign to them more than needed i wish they would just leave me alone and only talk to me at school and quit bugging me. i dont evn care about them anyhmore theyre all racist homophobic loserss.. also ive been doing all my assignments last minute and somehow i still have all As i domt evem try. i have big assignment due rn and i haven't finished it yet... its 11 pm i just wanna lay downn... school is so annoying. all i do is space out all day talk to ppl, and then the next day its the same thing. i feel like a robot. okkie bye idk wut else to write.
sorry for lack of updates on here. im not feeling the best lately and i dont feel like doing asnything but just laying down and relaxing. school is rlly annoying. also I have art block again so i havent felt like drawing either. I still plan on making shrines and stuff but updates will definitelly be more spaced out. I dont wanna abandon this site so I will try my best to keep updating. I've jus kinda rrun out of ideas for different pages so it's hard for me to start coding stuff.
ok so this entry is rlly rlly late.. i kinda underestimated how much school burns me out so I probably wont be able to keep up with updating once a week. I'll just update this blog when I feel like it :PP. I'll probs go back to uploading every week during the summer, but during school time I rlly just can't do it. School is still as draining as ever. I didn't do anything I planned. I can't even tell my mom the way the rlly wanna dress idk I cant tell her anything its always so awkward. i jus dont feel comfortable. I also haven't been drawing digitally and at all. I've only been drawing in my sketchbook n stuff. also im moving after I finish this school yr and im rlly happy. i don care if the school is better i just wanna restart. hopefully by then I cann tell my mom how i rlly wanna dress so i don feel so trapped all the time. i feel so pathtetic cuz i can never tell anyone anything. sometimes when I think about moving i think about meeting new ppl with the exact same intereests as me but i dont htink its ever gonna happen. atleeast not till im older porably. im ready for when im an adult so i can do whateevr i want. i hate everything so much.
also i was planning on making a dress to impress shrine wehre i like show all my outfits. instead of drawing i've been playing that all the time lol. its rlly fun. ive also been playing a lot of style savvy. i rlly like dress up games. since i cant dress the way i want irl i like to dress up in game lul.
sorry this entry is so late ;-; i've been kinda busy this week. i finally went to the mall and my cousins came over again. ngl even tho i was waiting to go to the mall for so long i never rlly ended up getting new clothes. all i got was a pochaco plushie lol. i wish i couldve got more but the plushies were too expensive so i only got one. i think i'll just switch the way i dress when i move. i dont want to bring attention to myself if i make a sudden change so im just gonna wait. i wanna tell my mom abt it but i dont know how to bring it up in a conversation unless she talks about clothes first lull. and most of the time she does that is in front of my sister and having that convo with my sister there would be very awkward for me. if i'm not able to make a change in the way i dress i atleast wanna get jeans or sumthing. i suck at talking to people about things i actually like idk it always gets so awkward and i dont know how to bring it up :(( /
im pretty sure im getting a haircut this week so i wawnna try and get bangs. i struggle with my hair so much loll. i've been trying to get more volume in like my roots and stuff cuz they are rlly flat. i kinda figured out how to do it but i feel like my hair would look much better if i got bangs. also i probably need to get a clarifying shampoo. i looked it up and apparently putting a lot of product weighs ur hair down. i can see how this would be the issue cuz i use leave in conditioner and gel almost everyday lul. sometimes i wish my hair was straight so it would be easier to take care of but idk i just like curly hair better for some reason lol
summer went by way to quick. school for me is starting on wednesday and i really don't wanna go back. i just hope it goes by quick so i can hurry up and move. school went by pretty fast last year so i expect it will probably go the same. but that doesnt mean its any less annoying. i cant stress how much i hate everyone there its insane. everybody is so fake that i cant be friends with even one person without fearing that they are talking about me behind my back. i wish i could drop all my friends but i rlly dont have the courage to do it. idk its too hard. i get exhausted from pretending to be like them all the time. whenever they talk about lgbtq ppl or poc i have to act like it doesn't affect me in any way and just laugh it off. i have to act like i dont care when they say slurs even tho i do. it sux. i just hope when i move theres atleast one person that is the same as me.
hello :3 i probably won't be doing updates other than blog post for a while lol. i dont rlly have any ideas of pages yet but i to intend to stay consistent on here. plus i find writing blog post to be pretty fun cuz i can talk about whatever i want lul
i rlly wanna go to the mall or something cuz i wanna get more cutesy style clothes. on pinterest i've been seeing a lot of posts of people who dress that way and i rlly want to. when i start the school i'll probs do a more watered down version of it but when i move i'll try to go all the way with it. the ppl at my school r rlly rude and i know that they'd make fun of me if i dressed the way i wanted to. plus if kids at my school bully me when i move i'll probably just tell my mom abt it and beg her to put in online school or switch schools llool. anyway, the more i look at pinterest outfits the more i wanna go to the mall cuzz i want cute clothes sooo badddd. my mom said were supposed to go this week but i honestly don't think we will. i'm kinda sad abt it tho becuz for the first time in forever i actually want to get out of the house lul. idk i've just been kinda bored. all im doing currently is watching anime , playing games, and occasionally drawing its getting kinda boring.. dont get me wrong i still enjoy doing that stuff but when it's literally all i do i get kinda sick of it. i need better hobbies tbh. ok back to wut i was talking about before i rlllly wanna move already. i want a bigger room, new clothes, and i rlly just need a new environment honestly. i needd time to go by way quicker plzz.
ive been so boredd lately. i don't know what it is but i'm just bored. all ive been doing is just scrolling on pinterest lately n i just wanna do other stuff. idkkk. im gonna try and jourynal later and also draw in my sketchbook cuz i just need to get off my phone honestly. i think that will be fun cuz i can spend a long time journaling if my mood is bad enuff lol. sometimes i feel like my blog post r long but honestly my journal is like my blog times 10 lolll. also i've been having more fun drawing traditionally rather than digitally lately idk. most of the time i journal and draw on the floor cuz i have a foldable desk but i don't have a floor pillow or anything so i was thinking abt getting one sometime soon tho,,, byeee 4 now i don't rllly have anything else 2 sayy.
i made some changes to the shrines page and also made my pakunoda shrine :3 I'm rlly proud of how it turned out. I've also been noticing how much my coding has improved since i started this website. im rlly proud of my work, especially since the first time i rlly tried to code was when i started this website. making this website helped me discover a new hobby. i find myself being more productive now since before my only hobbies were drawing and playing games lol. I have so many ideas for new pages. one idea is an oc page. i've seen a lot of other websites with pages like this. it will probably take a bit to make tho since i wanna make some drawings for the page, but just know that an oc page will be coming some time this year hopefully.
i feel like i talk about this in every blog post but time is going by so fast ;-; i rlly don't wanna go back to school.i haven't talked about this before but my school is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! most of the kids at my school r white and very racist lol. being a blk transboy in that kind of environment is rlly frustrating and just find myself awkwardly laughing their bad jokes off. im rlly not an assertive person plus I just don't wanna get bullied if i speak out. they're also very homophobic and transphobic so ive just been in the closet the whole time ive been there. i also don't even know if i can come out to my mom cuz shes rlly christian and im afraid she'll not accept me. its rlly annoying cuz i can rlly only be open about myself online. i dont get bullied or anything im actually liked by most of the kids there. but the only reason they like me is cuz i dont show them my real self. i rlly just wish i did online school or something like that. LUCKIlly i'm moving after this school year and then i'll be in highschool. i just hope that the school i go to is better and not worse than this school. honestly i feel like even when i do move it will be hard to break out of habits that i developed while at the school. i constantly worry about what others think and making others happy. i cant wait till i graduate and then schools done for good and it was never like that before i moved to this area. before i moved i never worried about things like my weight, the way i looked, or even how athletic i was. now i find myself worrying about it constantly and the only way i can seem to forget about it is by being on my phone or computer. i haave no idea had to tell ppl irl about this so im just writing abt it in this blog post. i dont understand why ppl say that being a teenager is the best years of ur life this sucks eggs.
ok on a lighter note i printed sum posters today. i also ordered sum stuff on amazon. i got a mlp blanket, pakunoda funkopop, and some keychains. i wanna display some of my keychains on the wall with some push pins so i also ordered some of those too. they come on monday so i have to wait a few days lul. also i have been working on developing my story a bit moar. for a while i just had random ocs, but know i decided i wanna do a magical girl story cuz thats a genre i rlly like. overall my week has been prettty good. i try not to write blog post of me venting cuz i usually save stuff like that for my journal, but i thought i would cuz i wanted to express some of my worries. also my cousins r coming over next week on saturday and honestly im not excited lull. theyre kind of annoying and my room has a lot of anime stuffz so i hope they dont make fun of me for it or something. thats all i rllly have to say so byeee
I finally added the art gallery :3 Not much art is there because most of the things i've been drawing recently arent finished lol. now that all my pages r done I plan on making shrines and more pages and stuff. the next thing I want to add to my website is a Pakunoda shrine. :))) shes one of my fav characters so I wanna code a shrine for her. I also wanna change up the way my shrines page looks cuz its literally just a box lul i didnt know wut to do.
nothing much has happened this week haha ;-; I ordered a cute elephant plushie tho so i'll share a picture when I get it next week. I also plan on drawing more so I can add some stuff to the art gallery. I hope u like the new page!!! byeee!
I went to five below and got some stuff :333 I got a poster, some stickers, a coloring book, play doh, and these cute plushies. I also a got a hammock for them cuz i'm running out of room on my bed lol. I haven't put the hammock up yet cuz my mom's gonna help me with it tho. I suck at following instructions for stuff u have to put up lol./
also I watched the new despicable me movie (thats why I got the minion plush haha) even tho I liked the movie it was probably my least favorite one in the series. my favorite one is the second one .
also I know I havent updated the website a bunch but I fixed most of my pages so that they look better when viewed on a phone (hopefully) some pages probs still look weird cuz most of my pages were made with a computer in mind, but I tried my best. I'm gonna start working on the art gallery soon so then all my pages will be done and I can just work on shrines and extra pages I want to add.
Hi guys!! I'm updating my blog pretty early this week and that is because my aunt is going to be coming over this week! I'm really excited cuz I haven't seen her in a couple years, but this means I most likely won't be able to make any updates later in the week. I apologize for this :( . I also got a furby :DD Now that I got one I'm thinking of making my own long furby cuz I can sew a little bit. Nothing much has happened lol so I guess I'll see u next week!
Hiii. I finally finished a drawing this week lol. I think the reason why i had artblock is cuz I was drawing on my ipad. I drew using procreate and I don't rlly like it that much honestly... The reason I was drawing on my ipad is cuz my drawing tablet had a whole bunch of problems with it. But to be fair most of it was my fault. I lost all the pen nibs and I needed to replace my pen plus the cord that powers the tablet was rlly bad and the tablet would randomly turn of every 5 seconds. This week I ordered new pen nibs and a new cable so now I can draw on my computer again yayy. I've been using procreate for so long I never realised how much better I like drawing on computer softwares. I used to draw using clip studio paint but I switched to paint tool sai today so I'm still kinda learning how to use it and seeing what brushes I like anad stuff but I still found it fun to use. When drawing I didn't really worry about how good the drawing looked and I realized that's probably why I had artblock. I wasn't a big fan of the program I was using and also I was being wayyy to hard on myself. Anyway I'm rlly happy I got out of artblock. For the first time in a while I actually feel rlly excited to draw!! and I'll start working on the art gallery today. I've also been working on a new layout for my index page. 
This has nothing to do with my website but I started a new big minecraft server project thing. I'm trying to make a town . I've spent most of my time in creative mode building ideas for it than actually playing in the real server lol. I have a bad habit of having a world for like two days and then making a new server haha. If I don't do that I would definetly love to share progress of it on this website.
omg I didn't realize how much I wrote. I sorry I'm really happy so I'm writing a lot . My website doesn't have many views so sometimes I wonder if there is at least one person who reads all of this haha. I also wonder if theres a person that even knows all the media I like lol I spend too much time on my computer. I'm planning on adding a chatbox on my new layout for this reason.
This week went by really fast. I was planning on working on my website but just as soon as that thought popped into my head its friday!!!!!!! I would say that i will definitetly work on the website next week but I cant be for sure. plus I've been trying to code some more things but sometimes it can be frustrating cuz I can't code too well. Dont get me wrong I still find it fun just frustrating lol. There are so many things I wanna do all at once but i have no schedule what so ever. I wanna draw, code, and also play my keyboard lol. im rlly disorganized.....
Alsooo I got my rupaul collector monster high doll!!!! She was only 55 dollars and thats rlly cheap for a collector doll so I bought her immediately(idk if I spelt that right). Heres a picture. my dresser is rlly cluttered so I had to put her on the edge lol.
I've been having really bad art block recently. Everything I draw I just feel like it doesn't look great. I really wanna add art to my art gallery but I have nothing I'm rlly proud of. I've been trying to just draw ocs and stuff but I never end up finishing the drawings lol. Even though I haven't been drawing I've started writing again. I'm not a good writer by any means but I enjoy writing for fun. I was thinking about sharing the story on this website but I barely have anything written and I dont think its good enough to share. Maybe I'll make a page for it later on when I'm more proud of the story and stuff. For now I won't really say what it's about tho in case I don't share it.
I bought the g3 Venus Mcflytrap doll and shes so pretty. I used to customize my dolls I would reroot them and repaint their faces, but I stopped a while ago. I wanted to start it doing again. I was thinking of getting some better supplies tho. When I used to repaint dolls I would use liquid sealant which means I couldn't use watercolor pencils for the face and could only use acrylic paint. I sucked at using acrylic paint for some of my earlier repaints and I don't think s the dolls look the best. I was thinking about getting msc sealant so I could start using my water color pencils more, I think my repaints would looking much better. The only thing is that msc is toxic so I would need a respirator and I don't know if I could convince my mom to get me a whole respirator for repainting dolls. Anyway, I finally finished the blog page today!
i finally got around to making the blog page lol. School finally ended so I wanna try and update my website a little bit more. I won't lie it wasn't just school that stopped me from uploading. I just didn't feel like it honestly. Plus, I have rlly bad art block so I haven't been able to draw anything either. I also started playing wuthering waves and it's been really fun so far. Nothing really eventful happened so I really don't have much to say. Just know I plan on updating this website more frequently (maybe). Byeeeee!!
